SUNDAY JUNE 25, 2017
 
Blog WORLDS GREATEST LOVER
HAVE HOT SEX WITH STROMBO TONIGHT
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So I’m learning how to become the World’s Greatest Lover by following tips gathered from sex gurusadult-only sex resorts and pervy scientists.

This week: I’m learning cool sex tips from ‘your boyfriend’, Canadian talk show host George Stroumboulopoulos. 

At least I think it’s George. Check out this picture and judge for yourself. That’s Strombo right? And he looks good, too! Dude’s been pumping iron and waxing his torso.

George is one of a handful of nude models in a non-fiction book called THE BEST SEX POSITIONS EVER! It’s written by ‘Alex Williams’ which sounds like a ridiculously fake name so I figure it’s actually George himself.

THE BEST SEX POSITIONS EVER! is a handsomely-photographed, 128-page guidebook that, according to the jacket, is designed to help you “spice things up with over 75 hot positions!” You’ll learn to “increase the pleasure of classic positions,” “experience high-flying sensations with acrobatic positions,” “experiment with new sexual horizons,” “discover new positions for out-of-this-world orgasms,” and “have illicit fun outside the bedrooms.” All of this while Strombo teaches you how to bang like a stallion.

Chair_The.jpgFor example, in the photo here, George is teaching you how to do The Chair. To do this position, first you take off your black jeans, black shirt, and skull ring. Then you find a willing, naked female (no problem for Strombo). Then you sit down on a firm chair and she straddles your penis which, of course, will be ferociously erect. Then “the man can sit back and enjoy himself.”

It’s basically the perfect celebrity sex position: 100% reward with very little effort.

In the rest of the book, Strombo – at least, I think it’s Strombo – shows us 33 more of his favourite sex positions. They mostly look awesome because, let’s face it, all sex positions are.

Of those 33, here are my 8 favourite Strombo-approved sex positions:

LOVE’S TAILOR

Page 36

In this position, George “inserts his penis into his partner’s vagina, but does not plunge its full length.” Instead he enters her 2 inches deep and delivers “short, sharp thrusts.” He pauses for effect. Then rams it to the hilt.

“Hear that gasp,” writes Alex/George, adding “The technique is then repeated until it can be repeated no more.” Attago, Jorge!

THE TOOTHPICK

Page 37

This move represents the “chaos theory of making love.” In this version of the Missionary, the man “inserts his penis and plunges in and out any way he can: in and out, up and down, and sideways.” Down side: this herky-jerky approach may confuse her into thinking you’re high, sloppy drunk, or trying to distract her while you text somebody else.

THE L PLATE

Page 63

The woman lies on her back, knees raised. The man lies on his side, perpendicular to (and underneath) her. Then he enters her and rubs his fingers on her clitoris. The benefit of this position is that each person can “look at each other from afar, take in their partner’s whole body and see the effect their lovemaking is having.” George does this move when he wants to play a woman like he’s a DJ scratching a record.

THE CROSS

Page 64

Woman lies on her back with her legs spread, George penetrates her as he lies face down on a 90-degree angle to her.

Benefit: “The angle of entry is very unusual which gives a different sensation. The woman can also reach around and scratch the man, lightly hit his buttocks or massage his anus.” 

Downside: George has “nothing to look at” and “nothing really to do with his hands.”

THE SWEET SPOT

Page 45

This move is impossible without snapping my penis off. First the man lies back on the bed, then the woman lies back on top of him but facing the other way. So her feet are up by his head, and his feet are up by her head. Then he enters her.

Hopefully you’ll have better luck than me but clearly Strombo has mastered it like a champ. If you do pull off this move, the book says “the physical sensation is perfect” plus the woman’s genital area is “completely exposed and this makes it easy for the many to play with and stimulate her clitoris.” 

THE WHEELBARROW

Page 76

In this pose, George is standing and holding his woman’s legs up as he enters her from behind and she’s face down with her hands on the carpet. This position is great for hitting her (ahem) G spot. George particularly likes this maneuver because he can have sex with a woman while getting her to tidy up around his house. 

THE BACKWARD WHEELBARROW

Page 78

Same as the Wheelbarrow except now she’s flipped over so her tummy is pointed at the ceiling and she’s arched back to look at the far wall. This tricky move requires a big strong man, which George most assuredly is. He saves this move for when the relationship is getting serious and wants her opinion on how to decorate his walls.

THE RAISED WHEELBARROW

Page 80

Similar to the Wheelbarrow, this is another advanced move from George’s ‘Acrobatic Moves’ section. As George enters her from behind, the woman rests her forearms on a chest-high piece of furniture. WARNING: the furniture must be stable. It’s best for her to rest her arms on a fireplace mantle or built-in bookshelf, rather than a freestanding dresser or a child’s head. 

Great moves, huh? That’s why George is the champ.

All in all, THE BEST SEX POSITIONS EVER! is useful, inventive, clear to follow, and features warmly-shot photos of reasonably attractive people doing highly pleasurable things. 

It’ll make a wonderful coffee table book or the perfect gift for your friend or neighbour who has everything but you. Thanks, Strombo! 

To order your copy, click here

Ken Hegan has met, worked with, and fist-bumped Strombo

Read more World’s Greatest Lover columns here


 

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