Dear Levenson:  Do girls like facial hair?  – Carter, Winnipeg

Dear Carter,

You don't have to read the fashion blogs to know if facial hair is making a comeback. All you have to do is shave, and then wait. 

Cool, right? It's a fun way to feel like a trendsetter, and you don't even have to do anything besides scream “YES!” and fist-pump in your girlfriend's face. 

Facial hair, like a dead pet, is something you can always count on to return. Especially if you close your eyes and hope as hard as you can. It's foolproof. If you ask me, Waffles is just on vacation. But my dad says I made him die by telling secrets to the school psychologist. Still not sure who to believe, but I handle it in a mature way by sending my wishes to heaven with a magic feather.

Because facial hair grows slowly, the two times you'll usually notice it are first thing in the morning, and when you're mailing a letterbomb to Harvard. Sure, people may call you “grizzly bear,” “Sasquatch,” or “a disenfranchised lunatic convicted of first-degree murder in federal court.” But if you're into your look, I'm pretty sure they're all just haters. 

Up until recently, beards were only for Santa Claus, my uncle, and other people I always suspected weren't real. Nowadays, there are tons of bearded “it-men,” like Abraham Lincoln, Daniel Day-Lewis as Abraham Lincoln, and that thing where Louis C.K. played Abraham Lincoln on Saturday Night Live. What happened to Abraham Lincoln? Feel like he was really hot for a sec. Kinda hoping there's a sex tape.

There was a time when it was common for the president to have a beard, usually when he was just smoking weed and having kind of a fuck-it weekend. Never really read anything about the First Lady being pissed about it, so score. Besides politics, other professions that've historically been associated with beards include Bearded Lady, Bob Ross, and Jesus. Basically, all weed stuff. 

If a beard seems too rebellious for you, consider shaping your sideburns into the traditional lightning bolt. Some men consider the lightning bolt a projection of power and strength, but I'm pretty sure it's just the only cool thing that goes up and down. Besides Groucho Marx's eyebrows, obviously. The main problem with shaping your sideburns into an eyebrow is that all the hot chicks at Costco wind up winking at your ear. That shit's a bummer. And take it from me – growing your sideburns into an escalator is one of those things that sounds a lot cooler while you're planning it with your accountant. 


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