Dear Levenson: When it comes to getting girls, do our looks really matter?  – Alex, Montreal

Dear Alex,

Being handsome is just one part of a complex equation that ugly people spend their whole lives trying to figure out. That's OK, because everyone knows that ugly people do the bulk of the world's nerdy stuff, like solving and curing and helping. Makes 'em feel useful. Handsome people don't do science, because all the other PhDs would be tripping over themselves trying to blow them. If you had cancer, you'd find that really disrespectful. I think I speak for most cancer patients when I say it's fine if you get all flustered and awkward because you want to blow a scientist, but not on my watch.

Generally speaking, just “being hot” isn't as fucking awesome as I'm 100% sure it is. If you suddenly woke up with a beautiful face, I guarantee that you'd have a whole new set of problems to deal with.  For instance, where's your old face? That part is unexplained. Not cool. There's a few reasons it'd be important to track it down. For starters, no one wants to find an old face behind crap in the basement. There's usually old computer printers down there because nobody knows if you're allowed to just throw them out. But your old face should be disposed of properly. Secondly, it's not the worst idea to hang on to it for a while. You never know when an old, ugly, disgusting face could be useful, like if you wanted to become a circus freak or a landlord. 

I've heard that girls are actually most attracted to personality, which is why I have a few. Just to cover my bases. Sure, you can call it a disorder, but that just sounds jealous. And between you and I, I'm pretty sure my psychiatrist is one of the most jealous people I've ever met. Not to make accusations, but he's not winning any beauty pageants himself, and I know factually that he raped and murdered a 7-11 clerk from Bloomfield, New Jersey. Body's buried in his backyard. I can illustrate on a map. This is John, by the way. 

Witnessing a crime is a great way to compensate for short stature or a missing nose, because everybody loves a hero. But could the world love a hero who had no nose? If you want to find out, I've written the screenplay for you! Spoiler alert: Transplant. Comes as a surprise, though.

Another way to get girls if you're not so good looking is tattoos. Tattoos are a quick way to tell the world that you don't like your body, either. A lot of people will tell you their tattoos are about “art” or “self-expression” or “how many people I killed in prison.” What a bunch of poseurs. When you're done getting over yourselves, I'll be at the tattoo parlour, doodling over my ugly parts. 

Overall, I think you'll find that it's not what you look like that matters, except for dancing. Do yourself a favour and take the Incomplete with that one. And remember that our self-perception is often skewed, but if you've ever seen a bad picture of yourself, that's pretty much the deal. It's photography. Just makes stuff look real. Have you ever seen an iPhone add chins to a couch?


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