Levenson:  Where the hell do I find a girlfriend?  – Liam, Vancouver, BC

Dear Liam,

Finding girls can be a lot trickier than it seems. I've learned that a lot of the nicest girls spend all their time hiding, even when they pinky-swear to take turns and be the seeker sometimes. Doesn't matter though, because I just tattle on them to my mom.

You should never care about being a squealer, especially if your girlfriend is being dumb or unfair. And if you haven't found a girlfriend yet, you should check behind the washing machine, especially if it looks like it's been moved a little bit. Also the blanket closet, or in the toolshed. Other good places are under the kitchen table, behind an old tree, the laundry hamper, shower, a rock (has to be a big one), attic, the crawlspace under the stairs, a bush, under the bed, trashcan, in an empty box someone left out for recycling, in a couch fort, or behind a doll house.

Point is, a lot of girls are intimidated by me because I'm so fucking good at games. If you don't think so, I challenge you to a game tournament. But if you'll be my friend, I'll show you my secret tricks.

For instance, it's easier to find girls at night. That's because most modern, emancipated women spend the day sleeping in a coffin. At twilight they emerge to feed their thirst for human blood, which is usually the best time to show them your John Goodman impression. If you suspect they're only laughing to be polite, just play it off by withdrawing into your soul and turning off the light behind your eyes.

Another place to find single girls is at school, which is why people become teachers. It helps to wear something with elbow patches, just so everybody knows you got the whole idea for your job from a movie. In my opinion, a good lesson to teach would be why anyone ever put a patch there. I can't remember the last time I saw someone do something with their elbow. No one even leans on them, except for dramatic sulkers. Arm wrestlers, now they could use the jacket. Teachers just talk. Try a tank top.

But if you just have a regular job where you type stuff for money, it might be good to open your eyes to the women all around you. The workplace is a great opportunity to make romantic connections because the ice is already broken and all the girls are trapped. Try a simple flirtation, like crumpling a piece of paper into a ball, setting a pick against her, charging hard into the paint with a crossover spin move and hitting a fadeaway jumper. If you accidentally knock over any of her stuff, just scream “FOUL!” in her face and hit the line for two.

If all else fails, joining a co-ed club can be a great way to tell the world you're into the same stuff as girls. If you have trouble finding a local activity group, consider just inserting yourself into any regular place where people are standing. If a club is a bunch of people bound by common interests, then a bus stop is a club for people who are currently interested in the bus. You see how I blew your mind with that? That's why everyone in the Bus Club said I could be president, after I screamed and flailed my arms for four hours on the Greyhound to Pittsburgh.  


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