SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 23, 2017
 
INSIDE TORO
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Ever since Al Gore invented the Internet, movie trailers have happily lived outside the jurisdiction of the patriarchal MPAA. And thank Judas for that. Witness the Red Band (read: uncensored) trailer for Seven Psychopaths, attached below.

In the film, Colin Farrell plays a dude thrown into LA's underbelly when his doofus friends, played by Christopher Walken and Sam Rockwell, kidnap a gangster's Shih Tzu. The film also stars Woody Harrelson, Tom Waits, and Gabourey Sidibe, and is directed by Oscar winner Martin McDonagh, the sadistic clown prince behind In Bruges.

With a cast and plot this absurd, Seven Psychopaths will surely be an audience favourite at TIFF 12's Midnight Madness.

Related >> TIFF's Midnight Madness Lineup Revealed

Related >> TIFF 12: Must See Celebrities


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Alicia Guastaferro, former teen beauty queen and star of the invaluable cultural institution that is Wife Swap, has been arrested on allegations of prostitution, and a slew of other things that God would not approve of.

On August 27, police found Guastaferro, 20, and Rochester attorney James Doyle, 54, parked in a New York thruway 30 miles outside of Buffalo. Doyle was allegedly blackout drunk at the wheel. Guastaferro told police that she and Doyle meet twice a month for sex, and is paid up to $700 for each encounter — truly a bargain in these economic times.

Guastaferro came to tragic prominence after appearing in the ABC reality series Wife Swap. On the show, Guastaferro said that she felt “sorry for people that are not gorgeous.” What a compassionate whore. The show also revealed that her parents kept a Christmas tree up year round and gave their daughter a present everyday — you know, for being such a gorgeous whore.

Along with illegal leg opening, Guastaferro is charged with criminal impersonation and possession of a controlled substance. Doyle, whose been twice convicted of DUI, is now charged with driving while intoxicated, patronizing a prostitute, and providing alcohol to a person under the age of 21.

Where else but the States could a beautiful young lady rise to fame, become a hooker, screw a lawyer, and then become famous again? God bless us all, and God bless the United States of America.

Related >> Is Saskatoon Planning a Red Light District?


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Is Kobe Bryant better than Michael Jordan? It is an incendiary topic of discussion, one eclipsed only by the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and the debate surrounding the existence of God. But thanks to a video from 2012Mamba, attached below, the two-headed leviathan known as Kobe-Michael has resurfaced.

Entitled "Kobe Bryant vs Michael Jordan - Identical Plays," the video uncannily demonstrates the similar form and playing style of the two players. Soundbites of NBA pundits and legends voicing their opinions are heard throughout.

The Kobe-Michael argument is one we try to avoid for fear of death threats and lost readership. But what we can do is present you the facts, that is, career statistics:

Michael Jordan: 15 Seasons, 41,011 minutes, 6 Championships, 32,292 points, 6,672 rebounds, 5,633 assists

Kobe Bryant: 16 seasons, 42,377 minutes, 5 Championships, 29,484 points, 6,142 rebounds, 5,418 assists

From the statistics alone, we could say that Jordan did a lot more with much less. And had he not retired so many times to play baseball and chill with cartoon characters, Jordan may have played three or four more seasons. But there are so many unknowns: Would Kobe have faired well in the Old (read: rougher) NBA? Did Jordan have a better supporting cast? Which era had better overall players?

The debate rages on in endless, juvenile fantasy. At least the video makes for good watching.

Related >> Lakers Should Be Raptors' Enemy No. 1

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On August 29, 1958, Michael Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana. And the world is better for it. 

For most of his 50 years, Michael Jackson held the title of Coolest S.O.B. on the Planet. His discography is among the highest selling ever, and his on-stage charisma has been imitated but never matched. Jackson mastered nearly every variation of pop music, and if dubstep had existed when he was making music, he would have taken that too.

Today, TORO celebrates the birth of the King of Pop with some of his greatest songs, attached below.

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LeBron James has told the world via Twitter that he wants to make a sequel to Space Jam, causing every man born after 1980 just crapped their pants.

Warner Brothers has not yet committed to developing a sequel, but we at TORO are all for it. Space Jam takes us back to a time when kids' movies were good and R. Kelly wasn't a sexual predator.

The original 1996 version starring NBA legend Michael Jordan is a seminal classic. In the film, Jordan must help the Looney Toons defeat a gang of evil aliens in a basketball game, or else be enslaved. (The Man's always trying to keep a brother down!) The film also stars Bill Murray, Charles Barkley, and that guy who played Newman on Seinfeld.

For a child growing up in the 1990s, Space Jam was truly the perfect combination of cartoons, sports, and self-reflexive, postmodern, intertextual, meta irony. We're serious. Just watch below.

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This September, Anthony Bourdain will star in the ninth and final season of No Reservations, leaving the Travel Channel after seven years for “bigger and better” things with CNN.

The move allows Bourdain and his crew to shoot in locations — the Congo River and post-revolution Libya, for example — that the Travel Channel could or would not facilitate. "There are some shows that we just haven't been able to do in spite of best intentions,” says Bourdain. “CNN has infrastructure and a whole world of contacts and experience in all these places.” It’s not yet known what the new show will be called.

Fans will be relieved to hear that CNN is not interested in reigning in Bourdain’s fondness for cussing, boozing, and general irreverence.

While being courted by CNN, Bourdain "made a point of sending them some of the really wilder, more creative and unusual shows that we've done that made Travel Channel nervous." And CNN did not flinch.

As for No Reservations, season nine’s first episode — a trip to Austin and SXSW — debuts September 3. Bourdain then goes on to visit Sydney, Burgundy, Santo Domingo, Rio de Janeiro, and other places, before wrapping up the series in Brooklyn.

Related >> TORO Talks to Anthony Bourdain

Related >> Anthony Bourdain and Nigella Lawson to Host ABC Reality Show

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[html]After wrapping their acclaimed HBO series, New Zealand folk-comedy duo Flight of the Conchords took temporary leave from each other. Bret McKenzie won an Oscar for his work on The Muppets, and Jemaine Clement was kind enough to make Men in Black III watchable.

Now after a sold-out reunion tour of their home country the boys have come together to support children’s charity Cure for Kids, for young ones “who are [so] sick [they] cannot do the hip hop anymore.” After interviewing some youngsters the Conchords share their latest single “Feel Inside and Stuff Like That” (starting at 5:10). Enjoy!

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Remember when TORO reported that Toronto food porn mavens Glory Hole Doughnuts were looking to open a permanent retail joint in Parkdale? The day has finally come. And so have you, in your pantaloons.

Yes, Glory Hole Doughnuts opened this Saturday to the joy of perverts everywhere. For the longest time, chef Ashley Jacot de Boinod was forced to sell her sinful creations wholesale to various third party suppliers.

Now she finally has a Dionysian baudy house of her own.

Witness doughnuts like the Maple Bacon, the Fried Chicken and Waffles, and the veritable white whale known as the Elvis, a deep fried pastry bosom topped with peanut butter frosting, banana chips, nuts, toasted marshmallows, and bacon.

If you think we're gross for getting off on food, consider Glory Hole's slogan: "What Creams Are Made Of."  Best get your hands on some of their doughnuts before the city shuts the place down for indecency and corrupting our youth.

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Legendary cyclist Lance Armstrong will no longer defend himself against the USADA and in giving up the fight against the agency determined to prove he doped, will be stripped of his seven Tour de France titles.

The USADA claims that Armstrong used banned substances as far back as 1996, including EPO and steroids in addition to blood transfusions to boost performance. His former teammate Tyler Hamilton, who himself had been caught doping, echoed the USADA claims last year, but his statements were dismissed by Armstrong as the words of a jealous man.

As it stands, Armstrong himself never failed a drug test and that has been his simple defence since day 1. Even now when giving up his fight — one that could also cost him his Olympic bronze medal and prevent him from future competitions and coaching in the sport that gave him fame and wealth — he denies the allegations.

"I have been dealing with claims that I cheated and had an unfair advantage in winning my seven Tours since 1999," he said. "The toll this has taken on my family and my work for our foundation and on me leads me to where I am today — finished with this nonsense."

"It is a sad day for all of us who love sport and athletes," said USADA chief executive Travis Tygart. "It's a heartbreaking example of win at all costs overtaking the fair and safe option. There's no success in cheating to win."

We beg to differ.

The stripping of medals and titles doesn't touch his bank account (though lawyers have probably been happily tapping that well). He's really too old to compete in cycling now anyway.

So despite this epic turn of events, we're exactly where we started. Nothing has been proven, nothing has been admitted and really, what has been gained?

If you believed Armstrong doped and his words sounded eerily like denials from Pete Rose over betting on baseball or Roger Clemens against steroid use (technically still 'unproven'), you probably haven't changed your mind. Yeah, the guy who wouldn't let cancer beat him is suddenly too tired to fight because the process is unfair.

If you believed in Armstrong, the unstoppable athlete who beat cancer and won an unprecedented seven straight Tour de France crowns and you've anted up for a closet full of Live Strong gear, nothing will change your mind. I'm putting on my yellow Live Strong bracelet in solidarity. Go Lance!

So Armstrong's legacy remains as tainted as it was before and America has, maybe, lost another sports hero. And we're all left to wonder, after the inspiring Olympic Games of 2012, who'll be next to fall?

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The legendary Stan Lee, chairman and president of Marvel drew storms of crowds to the opening day of Fan Expo Canada at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre yesterday, also celebrating the 50th anniversary of Spider-Man. The convention runs all weekend through Sunday where you can catch con-goers in all sorts of costumes and of course catch your favourite celebrities from Gillian Anderson (X-Files) Julie Benz (Dexter) Jay & Silent Bob, Lou Ferrigno (The Incredible Hulk) Christopher Lloyd (Back To The Future) and many more.

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In honour of TORO's 12 Days of Anarchy, we list our Top 10 Road Trip songs in no particular order.

1. "Hard Road" by Sam Roberts

"You try to find a love that will see you through your darkest days. And her soft brown hair is as long as the Canadian highway."

Much of TORO cover boy Sam Roberts's music is loaded with lamentation. But the upbeat "Hard Road" marches forward infinitely, reminding us that life's relationships can save us from tragedy.

2. "Going Up the Country" by Canned Heat

"I'm going where the water tastes like wine. We can jump in the water and stay drunk all the time."

Canned heat wants to take you on a magical trip to a land where the women are many and willing, the drugs are flowing and potent, and the city exists only as distant memory. If a stanger in a van playing "Going Up the Country" pulls up and asks you to get in, you do it, baby.

3. "Motopsycho Nitemare" by Bob Dylan

"Thankful as I romp, without freedom of speech I might be in the swamp."

This 12-bar drunken reverie has everything to do with American right-wing paranoia and nothing to do with the 1966 motorcycle crash that broke Dylan's neck. But it's a righteous song with a kick-ass title.

4. "LA Woman" by the Doors 

"Are you a lucky little lady in the city of light? Or just another lost angel? City of Night."

At times a rock anthem, at others a blues symphony on acid, "LA Woman" takes you on a joyride through the streets and freeways of the City of Angels. That Jim Morrison is probably wasted in the version below only adds to the song's revolting charm.

5. "Nightcall" by Kavinsky

"I want to drive you through the night, down the hills."

"Nightcall" is on the soundtrack of Drive, a sleek film noir about a getaway driver played by TORO cover boy Ryan Gosling. It's the youngest member of the list and nicely fudges up our classic rock radio motif.

6. "Up On Cripple Creek" by the Band

"I don't have to speak, she defends me. A drunkard's dream if I ever did see one"

This song goes out to all the truckers out there (who should drink responsibly, despite the lyrics). "Up On Cripple Creek" romanticizes travelling across America, but also reminds you to love your girl back home.

7. "The Weight" by the Band

"I pulled into Nazareth...feeling about half past dead."

Yes, the Band again. Made legendary by the film Easy Rider, this is probably the most iconic song on our list. And the best song to sing drunk. Again, not while driving.


8. "I've Been Everywhere" by Johnny Cash

"I've been everywhere, man."

Before "Pimpin' All Over the World," there was "I've Been Everywhere" by professional badass Johnny Cash. This song is a pretty hokey country diddy that's lyrics comprise mostly of city names. But Toronto and Ottawa get shout outs from the Man in Black, thus validating Canada's existence as a nation.


9. "Canadian Railroad Trilogy" by Gordon Lightfoot

"There was a time in this fair land when the railroad did not run...when the green dark forest was too silent to be real."

Gordon's Lightfoot's epic (and we stress the full, actual meaning of that word) about the construction of Canada's railway is probably our country's greatest song. Lightfoot's story, told in three distinct musical paragraphs, travels from the Rockies to the St. Lawrence, never forgetting the workers that died along the way.

10. "Strangers" by the Kinks

"'Till peace we find, tell you what I'll do. All the things I own I will share with you."

"Strangers" is a song that you play at sunset, on the ride home, half-beaten and hungover, but happy in the knowledge that you may have found the love of your life. Is that too specific? Anyway, the Kinks may be the most underrated band to come out of the British Invasion, and this song is their masterpiece.



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[html]Pennsylvania country music manipulator Daughn Gibson will follow his fantastic debut All Hell, released this past spring, with an as-yet-untitled album for Sub Pop due next year. The signing and album were announced today along with a brand new single “Reach Into the Fire,” which samples fellow Sub Pop artists Shabazz Palaces and Tiny Vipers. You can listen to it below. 





In the meantime Gibson will spend the next few months touring America, occasionally opening for Yeasayer, Pains of Being Pure at Heart and Earth.

Aug. 22 - Chicago, IL - The Vic *
Aug. 23 - Madison, WI - Majestic Theatre*
Aug. 24  - Minneapolis, MN - First Ave*
Aug. 25 - Omaha, NE  - Slowdown*
Aug. 26  - Denver, CO - Ogden*
Aug. 27 - Salt Lake City, UT  - In The Venue*
Aug. 29 - Vancouver, BC - Malkin Bowl *
Aug. 30  - Seattle, WA - The Neptune*
Aug. 31  - Portland, OR - Crystal Ballroom*
Sep. 01 - Oakland, CA  - Fox Theater*
Sep. 02 - Los Angeles, CA - FYF FEST
Sep. 05  - San Francisco, CA - Elbo Room
Sep. 06  - Reno, NV - The Chapel Tavern
Sep. 07  - Portland, OR - Star Theater (Music Fest Northwest)^
Sep. 11 - Allentown, PA - The Sportsmans Cafe #
Oct. 29 - Chicago, IL - The Empty Bottle
Oct. 31 - St Louis, MO - Apop Records
Nov. 01 - Lawrence, KS - Replay Lounge
Nov. 03 - Austin, TX - Fun Fun  Fun Fest
Nov. 04 - Austin, TX - Fun Fun Fun Fest
Nov. 06 - Oxford, MS - Lamar Lounge
Nov. 07 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl !

* w/ Yeasayer
^ w/ Pains of Being Pure At Heart
# w/ Merchandise
! w/ EARTH

Related: TORO Interviews Daughn Gibson

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A veritable buffet of celebrities will descend on this year's edition of TIFF to promote their films and get royally hamshowed at swanky parties.

Stars coming to Toronto include Joesph Gordon-Levitt (Looper), Kirsten Dunst (On the Road), Halle Berry (Cloud Atlas), Penelope Cruz (Twice Born), Marion Cotillard (Rust and Bone), James Franco (Spring Breakers), Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook), Naomi Watts (The Impossible), and Zhang Ziyi (Dangerous Liaisons).

Canadians returning home include TORO cover boy Ryan Gosling (The Place Beyond the Pines), Sarah Polley (Stories We Tell), Sarah Gadon (Antiviral), Xavier Dolan (Laurence Anyways), and TORO Woman Emily Hampshire (My Awkward Sexual Adventure).

Check TORO's TIFF 12 Homepage for the latest news, reviews, interviews, and party coverage.

Related >> 10 Foreign Movies for Men

Related >> TORO Talks to Soho House Founder Nick Jones

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This weekend, prepare to get wet. Toronto's Trinity Tuck Shop is hosting the city's first-ever Water Games, a giant water fight not seen since the Octomom gave birth.

The battle will take in place in Trinity Bellwoods Park. Teams (of four to six) must register here at $10 a person by August 23. Water guns, balloons, and bondage is self-supplied.

The day's festivities include a Steam Whistle pre-party, the Games themselves, and an award ceremony with cash prizes. Bonus points go to participants who humiliate the most hipsters.

With water wars, lightsabre battles, pillow fights, and deep-fried butter, Toronto in the summer is truly a voyage to Neverland.

Saturday, August 25. Trinity Tuck Shop, 198 Walnut Ave., 12 p.m.

​Related >> Picnic with the County General

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If Canadian dominatrix Terri-Jean Bedford has her way (and she usually does), she will soon star in her very own reality television series, The Bondage Bungalow.

“It’s going to be about mistresses, dominatrices, slaves, sissy maids, and men in high heels, corsets and dresses,” she recently told the Star.

More specifically, Bungalow will follow the relationship between Bedford and her daughter, as the two attempt to set up a bawdy house, teach women to be mistresses, and liberate sexually repressed soccer moms and religious fundamentalists through the practices of BDSM.

Bedford was thrust into public consciousness in 2010 when she took on Canada’s prostitution laws. Five months ago, the Ontario Superior Court ruled that brothels be legalized in an effort to protect women from violence, exploitations, and disease.

The dominatrix is currently filming a promotional reel with a six-person crew at Toronto’s Oasis Aqua Lounge (careful with that link, there are titties on the landing page), allegedly the only heterosexual bathhouse in Canada. The footage features Bedford spanking and slapping gimp-looking men. Apparently, five networks across North America are interested in producing a pilot for the show. Sadly, the Christian Television Station is not one of them.

We will be eager to see The Bondage Bungalow. It may be the first reality television show since season one of Survivor that won't suck. Or maybe it will suck (and blow, and slap, and choke) and that’s the point.

Related >> Is Saskatoon Planning a Red Light District?

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It's the end of an era. The male bastion that was Augusta National — home to The Masters — has opened its doors to women for the first time in three quarters of a century.

But before you go worrying about the decline of its elite status (and ladies slowing the pace of play), note that those two newest members happen to be former U.S. Secretary of State and national security advisor to President George W. Bush, Condoleezza Rice, and high-powered South Carolina business exec Darla Moore. It doesn't get more exclusive than that.

"This is a joyous occasion as we enthusiastically welcome Secretary Condoleezza Rice and Darla Moore as members of Augusta National Golf Club," Augusta National chairman Billy Payne said in a statement. "We are fortunate to consider many qualified candidates for membership at Augusta National. Consideration with regard to any candidate is deliberate, held in strict confidence and always takes place over an extended period of time. The process for Condoleezza and Darla was no different.

"These accomplished women share our passion for the game of golf and both are well known and respected by our membership. It will be a proud moment when we present Condoleezza and Darla their green jackets when the club opens this fall."

Fortunately, Augusta National green is a good colour for both Rice and Moore.

No word yet on Fuzzy Zoeller's response to the news.

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In a recent interview with notorious hardballers Entertainment Tonight, President Barack Obama reaffirmed his bromance with Hollywood star George Clooney.

"George is a wonderful guy," the Leader of the Free World said in the official statement.

Clooney has been known to visit the White House on occasion. His relationship with the President began when Mr. Obama was a senator in Chicago, young and naive, looking for love in a cynical world.

When pushed on the issue of whether the two consummate their relationship via cell phone calls, Mr. Obama stated: "[Mr. Clooney is] very protective about not bothering me. And he's also sensitive to the fact that if he's around a lot, then somehow it'll be tagged as 'Obama hanging out with Hollywood stars,' and that's not who he is." In an era of uncertainty and constant threat, its comforting to know that someone is looking after the President. Because no one else is right?

The First Lady, Michelle Obama, was also present at the interview, and twice made it known that she thought Mr. Clooney was "cute." How this will effect both diplomatic and romantic relations between Mr. Obama and Mr. Clooney is unknown.

While Democratic strategists have denied a last minute Obama-Clooney ticket, anonymous sources have confirmed that the two are "besties" and may buy matching Go-Karts sometime this weekend.

Related >> A Poem by Paul Ryan

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English director / producer Tony Scott has died after apparently jumping from the Vincent Thomas Bridge in Long Beach, California. He was 68.

Scott’s death is a tragic shock to many, as he was in no apparent professional distress. Despite the occasional flop (Revenge, Domino) he built a solid resume of blockbuster pictures. Starting with the under-rated, David Bowie-starring vampire thriller The Hunger (one of the first movies to adopt a “music video” aesthetic successfully) he went on to helm Top Gun (1986), Days of Thunder (1990), Crimson Tide (1995), Enemy of the State (1998) and Man on Fire (2004), one of several collaborations with Denzel Washington. Though his movies were given only passing critical consideration, he did impress more discerning viewers with the Quentin Tarantino-scripted True Romance (1993), featuring one of the best ensemble casts of the ‘90s, and his final effort Unstoppable (2010).

Scott was also a prolific producer, often working with his brother Ridley. He helped develop The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007), The A-Team (2010), The Grey (2011), Prometheus (2012), and TV projects The Good Wife, Numb3rs and Pillars of the Earth.

He is survived by a wife and two sons.

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The economy does not "Like" Mark Zuckerberg. The Facebook founder and guy who sort of looks like Jesse Eisenberg, lost $600 million yesterday, forcing him to sell some of his Mexican servants and reconsider purchasing the continent of Africa.

According to Bloomberg, the motherzucker's loss came after Facebook's shares sank 6.3 percent, leaving the Internet tycoon with his worst financial situation since his company went public in May.

“The market is not convinced of Facebook’s future,” says David Kirkpatrick, author of The Facebook Effect, a book that is sure sell like gangbusters the more Facebook tanks. The cruel, inverse nature of capitalism reeks of debilitating irony.

Hey, $600 million is a lot of money, but Zuckerberg is still worth $10.2 billion, so don't expect to see him selling pencils on the street any time soon.

Related >> Sagging Farmville Drags Down Facebook

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Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan will get TORO's full endorsement, so long as he keeps writing poetry about "getting ripped" and hating on "pussies."

Courtesy of our friends at The New Yorker, witness below a poem "written" by Ryan, worthy of the mighty canon of American literature. Truly, his words will one day frolick in the fields of appreciation frequented by Mark Twain, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and E.L. James.

We already wrote about how Ryan is a stud with the ladies, and his poetic sensibilities will only add to his capacity to get laid. God bless you, Paul Ryan. You truly are the King of Kings.

This morning I was at Equinox
Getting ripped and shredded, pumped and jacked,
Cross-training with Jeremy
Who totally kicks my butt.
And I was like, “I shall not let my foes define me.”
And I was so stoked
I punched Jeremy in the face.
Endorphins, mofo—
Sweet.
Who is Paul Ryan?
He can bench-press three times his weight,
Ochocinco a cinderblock in two,
Change the course of mighty rivers,
Bend steel in his bare hands,
And tug freighters with his teeth.
Paul Ryan:
Rock-hard abs,
Bulging delts,
Glistening pecs.
But not gay.
Ayn Rand wrote:
“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”
She could have been writing
About Paul Freakin’ Ryan.
I don’t read Ayn Rand anymore.
I disavow her atheist philosophy.
I just know that quote
Because it’s tattooed on my left oblique.
So join me
In Paul Ryan’s America:
Where heroes roam free
And pussies fear to tread.
Where a small boy from Wisconsin
Can grow up to join forces with a casino billionaire
To kick Iran in the cojones,
And leave behind the America of my foes:
Where the old and feeble
Expect food, medicine, and whatnot.
Not on my watch
Because I am Paul Ryan.
Paul Freakin’ Ryan.
Drop and give me twenty, America:
It’s clobberin’ time.

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