WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 18, 2017
 
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The teaser for the Carrie remake that nobody wanted to see has just landed. You can watch it below. As per usual, not much is revealed, but you do get to see a glimpse of that girl from Kick-Ass who stabs people in the face.

The film, directed by Kimberly Peirce (Boys Don't Cry, wait what?), stars Chloë Grace Moretz in the title role, and Julianne Moore as her religious zealot mother. The film was shot this summer at the Pinewood Toronto Studios.

So why was this movie made? Perhaps the studio hired art house director Peirce for her daring feminist and sexual sensibilities. Perhaps they thought Moretz and Moore would make a compelling on screen team. Or perhaps the executives at MGM are number-crunching, trend-hungry capitalists looking to make a quick buck on the back of brand association and the masses' lust for shlocky violence.

The original Brian De Palma film, starring Sissy Spacek, is a runaway classic that never needed to be revisited. We're not saying the remake is going to suck, but it's probably going to suck.

Related >> TORO Reviews Brian De Palma's Passion

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Canadian politics gets a bad rap for being boring. So forgive the excitement newsies felt last night when Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty surprised everyone and stepped down as leader of the provincial Liberal party. This is as sexy as it gets.

The move, of course, prompted all kinds of speculation. Was he going after the federal Liberal leadership (he’d be a shoo in to win, said some pundits)? Was he walking away from the growing gas plant scandal (what did he know and when)? Is he bailing before his public sector wage freeze legislation gets nixed?

Your theory, of course, will be biased by your political leanings, which makes this even more fun. One paper referred to him in a headline as McQuitty. Still another lauded his solid legacy.

The timing is indeed curious. Does it give the Liberal party enough time to ‘renew’ itself as McGuinty hoped it would before another provincial election? Will all the failings/scandals of the Liberals over the years be pinned to the departed leader, paving the way for his successor to keep a stranglehold on Ontario?

Maybe. Then again, it could really just be as boring as those who don’t follow politics are assuming: that he’s tired and wants to spend more time with his family.

Either way, expect more of the same to come. More speculation, more navel-gazing, more reaction ... and little change for Ontarians. Parliament, though now officially prorogued, remains at a standstill.

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The Penguin — we mean, His Worship, Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto — is currently recovering from a Gangnam-style assault that took place on October 4 at a York University football game. Video evidence of the event is attached below. 

While Ford escaped unharmed, witnesses have deemed the incident to be both "epic" and "hilarious."

The alleged attacker is said to be fourth-year York biology student David Kim, also responsible for another Gangnam-related assault that already has close to 350,000 views on YouTube.

Authorities seem confused as to how to deal with the situation.

"Despite the awesome nature of this event, we're asking all Torontonians to please stop breaking out into random acts of 'Gangnam Style,'" an anonymous source close to the police recently told TORO.

"It's a damn shame because it's such a catchy song," the source went on. "My kids love that goofy little dance."

Indeed, "Gangnam Style" is a catchy song, so it appears unlikely that these assaults will stop any time soon. The Star has already reported that the original by Korean musician Psy is already the most "Liked" video in YouTube history. If you witness any suspicious Gangnam-related activity, we urge you to report it here.

Related >> Even Hitler Loves Gangnam Style

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Last night Anthony Bourdain got his ass roasted worse than that Filipino pig from No Reservations. The roast, of course, was of the comedic variety, with the only real casualty being Bourdain's ego.

The shallacking went down during the New York Wine and Food Festival's annual charity event. One by one, celebrities from the culinary world took to the stage to rip Bourdain a new one. Chefs Eric Ripert and Mario Batali's jabs at their friennd were tame, but other speakers saw the roast as an opportunity for revenge

"You've combined cooking, TV, and comedy without ever being good at any of them," screamed regular Bourdain target Guy Fieri.

Rachael Ray joked that the only reason she read Bourdain's memoir Kitchen Confidential to discover "what it's like to be a total prick."

Bourdain, for his part took the night-long beating with a smile. "I've always felt that if you're a public figure and I'm making fun of you and your work on television, at all times it is perfectly appropriate for you to give it back to me," he said.

Check out the video below for clips from the roast and Bourdain's reaction.

Related >> Toronto in Bourdain's Final Season of The Layover

Related >> Bourdain Has No Reservations About CNN

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

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Next wednesday, The Onion, launches Onion Talks, the fake news network's jab at the sometimes inspiring and always self-righteous TED Talks.

In the Onion Talks preview, attached below, we see snippets of passionate speakers asking the tough questions like, "What Is the Biggest Rock?"

TED Talks are long overdue for a swift boot to the ass. Once a Silicon Valley geek symposium, TED Talks have bloated into a worldwide elitist phenomenon. The annual TED conference, while virtuous in its intentions, is an invite-only circle jerk, with tickets costing members $6,000.

Concerning Onion Talks, we're most excited to watch the Dog Eating Pie lecture. What untold fortunes will that pooch unleash?

Related >> TED Talks on Orgasms


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Hip hop legend RZA and the Black Keys have just released their new song, "The Baddest Man Alive," attached below. And it's pretty bad-ass.

The song will appear on the soundtrack of The Man with the Iron Fists, a hyper-stylized martial arts romp, and RZA's directorial debut.

The film, produced by Quentin Tarantino and co-written by Eli Roth, follows a 19th-century blacksmith who comes to the aid of an embattled village. Asses then get kicked. The movie also stars Russell Crowe, Lucy Lu, and wrestler-cum-actor Batista.

RZA is legendary for his love of Kung Fu movies, and after writing the Kill Bill soundtrack for Tarantino, he must have gottten the filmmaking bug. Even if the film sucks, at least we know the music is dope.

Related >> WATCH the Trailer for The Man with the Iron Fists

Related >> TORO Reviews the Black Keys' El Camino

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Rihanna has gone nude for the cover of her new album, Unapologetic, and she looks, well, unapologetic. As you can see from the picture above, the singer's got things written all over, because she's brave and artistic and daring or whatever.

The title seems to be a not so subtle reference to that deadbeat ex-boyfriend of hers. And Rihanna confirmed as much by tweeting: "#UNAPLOGETIC #phuckyoapologies."

Rihanna's first single off the album (attached below) is "Diamonds," a power pop ballad that's already tearing up YouTube and wherever else people steal music from these days.

Unapologetic is the 24-year-old singer's seventh (what?) album. It drops November 19 in pirate hard drives everywhere.

Related >> TORO Playlist: Rihanna, Fucked Up, and More

Related >> Promoter Puts Money on Drake/Brown Fight

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An Australian man has claimed that he was ejected from a bar on account of his mullet, drawing sympathy from precisely nobody.

David Hoogland was drinking with his fiancee on the rooftop bar of Perth's Print Hall when staff asked him to leave. When Hoogland demanded an explanation, staff claimed that his hairstyle violated the bar's dress code. We are not making this up. This man actually has fiancee.

"I'm not in a gang, I don't have tattoos all over me, I'm just an everyday person," Hoogland told the West Australian. "I agree if you're being rowdy, out of control, drunk or abusive then you should be kicked out but if you're just sitting down having a chat and a quiet social drink, I think that's pretty rude."

We're going to have to disagree, Mr. Hoogland. That's not a haircut, that's a greasy cape. It's as if John Lennon's face is running down your back. Consider yourself lucky that anyone likes you at all. TORO does not believe in prejudice, but this is one hate crime we can get behind.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

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Uma Thurman will appear in enfant terrible Lars von Trier's new film, Nymphomaniac, a porn-drama with non-simulated sex scenes. There is no way this film is going to suck.

The film covers the sexual life of a woman from birth to age 50. Von Trier had originally wanted to call his work Legend of the Closed-Legged Prude, but his investors persuaded him otherwise.

Already confirmed for Nymphomaniac are sadomasochistic von Trier regulars Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe, along with newcummers newcomers Shia LaBeouf, Jamie Bell, and Christian Slater. Yes, Christian Slater still has a career.

Now before you dismiss this film based on its oddball casting, remember that von Trier has a history of elevating typically mediocre Hollywood talent — think Nicole Kidman in Dogville and Kirsten Dunst in Melancholia — to revelatory levels.

Von Trier also enjoys taunting his audience with scenes of rape, misogyny, racism, murder, and self-inflicted genital mutilation. If we get to see Christian Slater commit any of the above, our minds will be thoroughly blown.

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Louis CK — who sources tell us is the funniest man on the planet — has put his Emmy-Award Winning FX show Louie on hiatus until 2014.

"The last three seasons have been this surge of fun and work and stories, and it’s been great to share all this stuff, and I want to keep going,” CK told reporters this morning. "It’s a luxury that I asked for, which is more time to create Season 4.” The comedian said he'd likely start writing for the show at the beginning of 2013.

The hiatus comes as a surprise considering Louie's success. But maybe director-writer-actor-editor-psychopath CK is just burnt out.

Aside from his infamous stand-up routine, CK also has a surging film career. He will soon star in Woody Allen's next film, currently without a title.

From where we stand, CK has never put out any work short of brilliant. His work ethic is legendary and too many comedians have succumbed to the pressures of the market (think the tragic death of one of CK's best friends Patrice O'Neal). We say give CK as much time as he wants.

Related >> Louis CK Headlines Toronto's JFL42

Related >> The 2012 Emmy Nominations: Who Cares?

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Neil Young and Crazy Horse have just dropped a new video (attached below) for their song "Ramada Inn," and long does it run. The 17-minute epic takes the audience on a (road) trip across America, complete with vintage Easy Rider-esque footage and kaleidoscopic visuals.

The song comes from Psychedelic Pill — out October 30 — the band's second 2012 album following this spring's Americana.

"Ramada Inn," like Young's inexplicably good two-note guitar solos, finds virtue in simplicity. If you're a Crazy Horse fan, the song's eerie harmonies and locomotive riffs will have you feeling right at home.

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[html]Though he’s alienated anyone who ever loved Big Bird, Mitt Romney still has the crap-rock vote. Behold this most bizarre of political trends.

8. Scott Stapp (Creed)





7. Kid Rock

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"I'm proud to say that we elected our first black president ... I'm sorry he didn't do a better job. I really wish that he would, but the facts are the facts, and we just saw them come to light in the last debate." [Via Buzzfeed]

6. Johnny Van Zant (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

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“[Obama’s] whole platform was change, change. Well, very little has changed I know for the people that are our fans ... As far as I’m concerned, I’ve heard the president go ‘We’re asking the rich to take a little bit more in taxes.’ Well, that’s not asking, that’s telling.” [Via Politico] 



Yes, for anyone who still listens to Lynyrd Skynyrd life is devoid of change.

5. Ted Nugent

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“after a long heart&soul conversation with MittRomney today I concluded this goodman will properly represent we the people & I endorsed him” [Twitter]



The biggest political shocker of 2012.

4. Gene Simmons

 (Kiss)





3. Randy Owen (Alabama - not Lynyrd Skynyrd)



2.
Pat Boone 








Barack Obama has no concern for the well-being of his dead grandparents.

1. Donny Osmond

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Helped promote Romney’s truly bizarre campaign trail mixtape, has said of the governor and fellow Mormon “We share ideals.”

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This morning, former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was given 30 to 60 years in prison for sexually abusing 10 boys over 15 years — and the monster still had the nerve to blame the victims and "everyone" else for his horrific crime.

"I know I did not do these alleged disgusting acts," said Sandusky in a statement from jail. "A young man who was a veteran accuser, and always sought attention, started everything. He was joined by a well-orchestrated effort of the media, investigators, the system, Penn State, psychologists, civil attorneys and other accusers."

"Before you blame me...look at everything and everybody," Sandusky stated.

The jury concluded that Sandusky abused 10 disadvantaged boys, each of them found through the resources of his charity, the Second Mile. Of course, Sandusky could not have committed the crimes without the help of several high-ranking Penn State officials, including legendary head coach Joe Paterno.

In sentencing Sandusky, Judge John Cleland said "the crime is not only what you did to their bodies but to their psyches and their souls and the assault to the well-being of the larger community in which we all live." While Cleland could have handed out "centuries" of punishment, he did not, knowing that Sandusky will probably die in prison.

There exists no punishment for Sandusky that equals the damage done. And Sandusky's bizarre defiance only intensifies his victims' wounds. But assuming he still has a soul, "everyone" can take solace in the fact that Sandusky will have the rest of his life to stew in the afterbirth of his sins.

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Still aching from their sad-ass performance at last week’s presidential debate the Obama campaign has just released a tongue-in-cheek ad highlighting apparently the most outrageous thing to fly out of Mitt Romney’s mouth: that he would, like Richard Nixon before him, pledge to cut federal funding to PBS. IMPEACH NIXON!

The ad is kind of funny and a little creepy, but before we watch it let’s get it out in the open that Sesame Street’s production company Sesame Workshop gets most of (about 68 per cent - is that “most of”? Let’s say “a whole lot of”) its revenue from character licensing. It is not really part of the 47 per cent suckling at the teat of Mother Government. Remember that Grover Nintendo game and that weird feature-length movie from the ‘80s? Remember fucking TICKLE ME ELMO? None of them taught you much of anything but were fun, and licensed for revenue. That’s okay! Even if that money hasn’t moved Oscar from his putrid trash apartment to affordable housing, it does go toward setting up Sesame Street programs in places like Kosovo that will never become popular enough to earn a dime but could provide education and positive values to the 1.3 per cent of Kosovo children lucky enough to have working televisions. Jokes aside that’s still a good thing! Go capitalism. Anyway, here's the ad:



Funny stuff. The problem is that attacking Romney for his supposed Muppet prejudice takes up valuable space from the literally hundreds of other things you could be attacking him on! At least point out that bothering to cut from 1/100th of 1% of the federal budget is maybe more about ideologic opposition to non-profit programming with a liberal viewpoint (I haven’t watched Sesame Street since my family could afford cable but I have vague memories of being taught something resembling tolerance and diversity - Oscar was clearly grouchy over his unfulfilled sense of economic entitlement) than actual monetary concern. I kind of just pulled that out of my ass but at least it sounds like an actual attack! Point is: Obama 2012, you are running a major election campaign, not writing for Saturday Night Live.

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Another rockstar chef has officially landed in Hogtown. Today, Michelin-starred chef Daniel Boulud opens Café Boulud at Toronto's newly contructed Four Seasons Hotel in the tony Yorkville neighbourhood.

Inspired by a cafe in Boulud's hometown of Lyon, the restaurant creates modern French food that lies somewhere between casual and fine dining. Dinner for two, including wine, will cost $200, lunch for two about $80, and breakfast for one around $35.

The fare will be both familiar and new to Boulud's fans. His famous DB Burger (sirloin, braised short ribs, foie gras, black truffles) will not be on the menu, but his "perfect" DBGB burger certainly will. As always, diverse, local ingredients are emphasized to the utmost. 

Café Boulud also relies on local, that is, Canadian talent. As already reported by TORO, the restaurant's chef de cuisine is British Columbia's Tyler Shedden, recently transferred from Boulud's flagship restaurant in Manhattan.

The second floor restaurant has a 150-seat dining room and 10-seat private room. Below lies dbar, a 63-seat lounge sure to attract both heavy hitters and gossip magazine fodder.

Canada has been a difficult market to crack for Boulud. While Montreal's Maison Boulud bas been a success, the chef had to close his two Vancouver restaurants in 2011. So it comes as no surprise that Boulud approaches the Toronto dining scene with nervous assuredness.“ I hope this restaurant becomes a Toronto institution," he told the Star, "[but] right now I’ve proved nothing!”

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Local boys, TORO Garage Sessions alumni and all-around great rock band Teenage Kicks are back in their hometown tonight. The band will perform at Lee's Palace w/ The Sweet Mack, The Dirty Nil and Cubs. Take $12 out of your weekend turkey fund and be there @ 9PM.

Related >> TORO interviews Teenage Kicks

Related >> Teenage Kicks TORO Garage Session

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[html]Jay-Z owns about 1/15 of 1 per cent of the Brooklyn Nets but his celebrity influence has far exceeded his investment. Fittingly, he’s supported the team’s Barclays Center opening with a series of live concerts. The eighth and final show will go down tomorrow night and you, non-Brooklyn resident, can watch on the rapper’s official Youtube channel. Head on over there right now and, I don’t know, wait for it to start - tip-off is Saturday October 6, 9:30 PM EST.

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A while ago we announced that British soul sensation Adele would be writing and singing the theme for Skyfall, the 23rd James Bond film directed by Sam Mendes. Well the song is finally here, and you can listen to it below.

As per awesome, the song is Adele through and through: sultry, devastating, haunting, and delicious. "Skyfall" was recorded at Abbey Road studios with a 77-piece orchestra. Like the singer and film its married to, the song is throwback to the 1960's.

In Skyfall, Daniel Craig returns as British MI6 agent 007. He kills people, has sex with gorgeous women, and commits other acts of mass male fantasy. The PR team responsible for the movie says Skyfall will be different from its predecessors, but we know it won't be, and that's why we're excited.

The film comes out on November 9.


Related >> Check Out James Bond's Aston Martin DB5

Related >> Six Degrees of James Bond

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Round Mound of Rebound Charles Barkley thinks LeBron James can be better than Michael Jordan — because he has a big mouth and likes pissing off Internet trolls. 

"I thought I would never compare somebody to Michael Jordan," said Barkley, "but [James] does everything well. Michael did everything well. James is just bigger, stronger, faster. That's the only difference."

Why did have to go and do that Charles?

Now, James and Jordan are the only players in history to win an NBA title, regular-season MVP award, Finals MVP award, and Olympic Gold in the same year.

However, there is no fair way to compare the two giants. James has only been a pro for nine years compared to Jordan's 15; the former never played in the "Old NBA," where big men dominated the paint and defensive hand checking and hard fouls were allowed; both players had different supporting casts, each with their unique strengths and weaknesses.

You must understand that TORO has no stake in this sadomasochistic "greatest of all time" debate. And despite the passion (read: anger) behind every fan's opinion, no one ever wins.

But the debate goes on.

For what it's worth, we just want to see Matt Bonner become a Canadian citizen.

Related >> Dream Team or Olympic Nightmare?

Related >> MJ Doesn't Play to Lose


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Drawing from an "unabashedly unscientific" poll, champion of childhood diabetes 7-Eleven has predicted that Barack Obama will win the 2012 Presidential Election.

According to the results its "7-Election" campaign — in which customers "vote" by purchasing the coffee cup imprinted with the name of their preferred candidate — President Obama will take office again on the strength of 60 percent of the popular (coffee) vote.

This may sound like a marketing gimmick, but the human trough's convenience store's polling has been shockingly accurate.

7-Eleven successfully predicted the outcome of the last three elections and came within one percentage point of the actual popular vote in 2004 and 2008, thus proving that media pundits and university degrees are completely useless when analyzing the American political landscape.

"7-Election" has been so successful that 7-Eleven Canada plans on running a similar campaign during the 2015 Canadian federal election. The Conservative Alberta beef corndog will of course be the only option, seeing as all other parties have already met their expiration date.

Related >> Chuck Norris Warns America About Obama

Related >> Romney's Good Looks Incite Domestic Abuse


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