SATURDAY MAY 27, 2017
 
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Jamie Oliver takes food very seriously. When he's not making females age 25-50 swoon, he's usually saving the world by trying to get chubby kids to eat right. But that doesn't mean he can't endulge in a little self-deprecating fun.

Enter the "fat Canadian assholes" known as Epic Meal Time. In this week's episode (below), the monsters from Montreal kidnap Oliver and make a Fast Food Fish and Chips Filet Sandwich, in honour of their victim's British heritage.

The cute chef hams it up and is force fed candy, bacon and candy bacon. He also gets locked in a fridge.

Oliver wrote the forward to Epic Meal Time's new cookbook and is something of a Montrealer himself. In October, the chef opened Maison Publique with Derek Dammann in the Plateau Mont-Royal, a refined ode to British cuisine.

Related >> TORO TV: The Saint's Potato-Crusted Halibut | Daily TORO: Jamie Oliver Visits His Montreal Restaurant

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Behind every great man is a greater woman, who has no time for John Boehner.

Yesterday, Barack Obama became the 44th President of the United States, again, and his wife Michelle Obama became the greatest First Lady in the history of ever.

Watch below as Speaker of the House Boehner tries to get Mrs. Obama's attention, first by saying something stupid, then by condescendingly tapping her on the shoulder. ("Hey, little girl, me big, important Republican-guy. Listen up!") Boehner's like the embarassing uncle at dinner that gets tipsy and says inappropriate things about "ethnics."

Mrs. Obama wants none of it and dismisses Boehner like a champ. King Kong ain't got nothing on Michelle Obama.

Related >> TORO Man: Barack Obama | Listed: 5 Moments of Obama Conspiracy

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If being cool is not caring about anything, then A$AP Rocky is probably the coolest son of a bitch on the planet. Witness below his cover of Gnarls Barkley's "Who's Gonna Save My Soul."

Admitting in the song itself that he "can't sing for shit," Rocky manages to do a fine job with the material, despite his complete irreverance for anything sacred.

It's true, Rocky isn't much of a singer. (Nor is he much of an emcee, for that matter.) But the man delivers swagger in bunches, and charisma can take you far in the world of hip hop.

Listening to Rocky is like listening to a young Bob Dylan. You know, the Dylan that in the middle of a song about social upheaval or lost love, would break down in laughter and start the song again because he didn't care.

Cool, right?

Related >> Music Reviews: Long.Live.A$AP

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What has long been one of man's greatest joys has suddenly turned into an act of terror and utter devastation. This past weekend, a man was killed when his girlfriend smothered him to death with her breasts.

Donna Lange and her 38DD boobs are charged with second-degree manslaughter after allegedly jumping on her boyfriend in a fit of rage, and squeezing the life out of him with her fully loaded canons. Paramedics tried to revive the man with CPR but the damage was done.

The event took place at an Everett, Washington trailer park (where else?). Police arrived after neighbours heard signs of distress coming from Lange's mobile home.

Lange, who received facial injuries during the attack, was drunk at the time and does not remember killing her boyfriend.

The accused is reportedly five feet, six inches tall and 192 pounds, while her boyfriend's corpse is five feet, seven inches tall and 175 pounds (that's an estimate, given he hasn't eaten anything for almost a week).

Related >> Daily TORO: Watch Models Pour Liquor Down Their Breasts

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Paul Dano will star as the Beach Boys' Brian Wilson in a forthcoming film titled Love and Mercy. The film is being directed by Bill Pohlad, producer for The Tree of Life and Brokeback Mountain.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the film follows the well-known rise and fall (and rise?) of Wilson as he founded the Beach Boys, garnered huge success, and battled mental illness. Particular focus will be on Wilson's relationship with his wife Melinda. Another uncast actor will portray the older version of Wilson.

Atticus Ross, who worked with Trent Reznor on the Oscar-winning score for The Social Network will work on the movie's sonic landscape.

Regulars to Daily TORO know that we think Wilson is something of a musical demigod. His work both old and new is ethereal and influenced everyone from the Beatles to Animal Collective. Oh, and Dano's not a bad actor either. Just watch below to see what we mean.

Related >> Daily TORO: Love Kicks Brian Wilson Out of the Beach Boys | Daily TORO: Rich Aucoin's Video Tribute to Brian Wilson

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Can you hear that? That is the sound of a thousand unfulfilled dreams getting kicked in the nuts.

In a recent interview with Dan Patrick, Oklahoma City Thunder superstar Kevin Durant claimed that he wanted to be a Toronto Raptor when he was growing up.

"Believe it or not," said Durant, "I wanted to play for the Toronto Raptors." [To which Patrick responded with a condescending, "Why?!" Suck on this, Dan.]

"I was a big Vince Carter fan and I just liked their jerseys to be honest," continued Durant. You hear that Bryan Colangelo? Bring back those hideous purple dinosaur tank tops.

It seems like every NBA star has wanted to play for Toronto — before they grew up or got offered more money somewhere else.

Durant grew up in Washington D.C. and was 10 years old when Carter broke into the NBA. For a good four seasons, the Raptors were the most popular team in the league, and came within one shot of reaching the 2001 Western Conference finals.

But now the Raptors are 14-25 and "led" by a seven-footer who can't play defence, rebound, or even utter a full sentence in pasta commercial.

Hey, hockey's back, right?

Related >> Throwin Smoke: Bold Sports Predictions for 2013 | Daily TORO: Amir Johnson Shows Raptors Not Yet Extinct

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Watch below as Lindsay Lohan (or some collagen facsimile of her) gets attacked by porn star James Deen (we'll let you research his portfolio on your own time).

It's a scene from the upcoming film noir The Canyons from director Paul Schrader, most famous for writing Taxi Driver. The movie was written by Bret Easton Ellis and also stars Promised Land director Gus Van Sant. The score was writter by TORO favourite and Broken Social Scene alumni(?) Brendan Canning.

Our favourite part of the clip is when Lohan and Deen try acting.

According to the New York Times, shooting The Canyons was an absolute clusterphoque. And if the film's tagline ("Youth, glamour, sex, and Los Angeles, circa 2012") is any indication, the end product will be no different.

Related >> Here's Lindsay Lohan's Playboy Cover | WATCH R.E.M.'s New Video with Lindsay Lohan

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Do you want to see former Disney stars Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens run around in bikinis with a cornrowed James Franco? Of course you do! So watch the trailer for Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers below.

When a bunch of highschool girls have no money to fund their Spring Break, they orchestrate a robbery that gets them arrested. Enter Alien, a creepy, gill-faced, gun-toting, drug dealer played by James Franco, who is more than happy to bail the girls out and show them the time of their lives.

Booze, sex, and booties follow.

The film generated huge buzz at TIFF 12 this year for its obviously provocative subject matter and casting. But who cares? It's Spring Break!

The movies comes out March 29.

Related >> TORO's TIFF 12 Coverage | TIFF 12: Must See Celebs

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A sandwich token program designed to help homeless people eat better will soon operate out of two Toronto restaurants.

Mark Brand of Vancouver's Save On Meats restaurant came up with the idea as a means to help homeless Vancouverites without giving them money that could be spent on booze or drugs. The program has been a sucess, redeeming over 800 tokens a week.

Now in Toronto, Rodney Bowers of restaurants Hey! and Hey Meatball! wants to initiate the same positive change.

Brand met Bowers last summer and pitched him the idea. "[Bowers] is from Newfoundland, and I’m from Nova Scotia, so we bonded," he told the Province.

Bowers hopes to start the program by late spring or early summer.

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Ultimate TORO Man Samuel L. Jackson recently covered Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Whatsoever Cantilever Getting Back Together," putting the fear of God in ex-boyfriends everywhere. Experience the terror below.

Jackson was on the Capital London Breakfast Show when a girl phoned in requesting he send the message to her former man. "Sources" say the ex-boyfriend died of internal bleeding after his penis inverted into itself.

This isn't the first time Jackson has put on his minstrel pants. Anyone remember "Go the Fuck to Sleep"?

Related >> TORO Man: Samuel L. Jackson | Daily TORO: Samuel L. Jackson Really Loves Team USA

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In a throwback to the days of segragation and well, yesterday, a Utah smoothie shop called I Love Drilling (we did not make that up) is charging Liberals a dollar more than Conservatives, donating the extra money to "Conservative causes."

Somewhere, Stephen Harper is touching himself.

Owner George Burnett — a good old freedom-loving, rights-having, Commie-crushing American — is proud of his political discrimination unusual pricing. "All three Liberals [the only ones in Utah, no doubt] have been happy to pay it," he says.

Burnett goes on to claim that his practices are carried out in the name of education. "We have a fiscal problem in this country," he says. "We've got to deal with it, or we don't have a country." That's sound policy analysis, George. We're glad that you've figured out the greatest American economic crisis ever without even looking at your fingers to count!

In other news: Nobody likes Utah.

Related >> Listed: The 5 Most Confused Political Terms | Daily TORO: Stephen Harper on Gay Marriage

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Yesterday, Kujtim Nicaj, a Rye, New York superintendent was sentenced to six and a half years in prison and seven years probation for entering a unit multiple times to have sex with the tenant's Labrador puppy.

Nicaj, 44, pleaded guilty to charges of burglary and sexual misconduct in October, 2012.

"This case was unusual to say the least," judge Barry Warhit told Nicaj. "You exhibited cruelty to the animal. Your behavior was inexcusable."

Tenant Alan Kachalsky, after months of suspecting that someone had been entering his apartment and moving things around, set up secret cameras and caught Nicaj committing the assault.

The victim is soon to be 2-year-old Gunner, who according to a vet, sustained no permanent physical damage. Kachalsky claims his dog is in good spirits despite the ordeal.

Related >> Daily TORO: Defiant Sandusky Sentenced to 30 to 60 Years

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Chef Mandel Hitzer of Deer + Almond is partnering with architect Joe Kalturnyk of RAW Gallery to create a pop-up restaurant located on the corner of Winnipeg's Red and Assiniboine rivers.

Named Raw:almond, the restaurant will offer five-course tasting menus by Hitzer and some of the city's best chefs. Its communal tables will seat at least 20 people and the room, of course, will be heated.

The chef roster includes Scott Bagshaw from Deseo, Adam Connelly from Segovia, Ben Kramer from Diversity, Eric Lee from Pizzeria Gusto, Aaron Epp from Elements.

Raw:almond will be open January 24 to February 13. The price of admission is $85 plus tax, tip, and drinks.

Related >> Travel: Canada's Top 10 Hipster Hotels

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We're not sure who's more baffling: Hollywood executives for making awful shlock, or the people who actually enjoy watching said shlock.

According to Deadline, Warner Brothers wants to mutate Homer's Odyssey into a science fiction adventure set in, yes, space. 

We have no doubt that the people who greenlit the movie followed this impenetrable line of logic:

[1] 2001: A Space Odyssey is a movie
[2] It has the same name as Homer's Odyssey
[3] Let's set Homer's Odyssey in space
[4] We are cynical, money-making goons

The script will be written by someone named James DiLapo, who according to IMDB, has written absolutely nothing.

Brad Pitt was initially attached to play the role of Odysseus, but he stopped smoking peyote and came to his senses. 

Related >> TORO Reviews Killing Them Softly

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Mel Brooks says the time is right to turn his Western comedy Blazing Saddles into a musical — because Quentin Tarantino likes using the N-word so much.

"Now that Django Unchained has literally used the N-word, I think I’m in the clear," said Brooks. "I don’t look so bad. [Tarantino] really used that word a lot."

Quentin Tarantino: Helping white people say racist things since 1992.

Brooks has already turned two of his films — The Producers and Young Frankenstein — into successful musicals, and somehow managed to turn the musical version of The Producers back into a successful movie. If that sounds ridiculous, remember that this is the man that married Anne Bancroft. He can do whatever he wants.

Related >> TORO Man: Samuel L. Jackson | TORO Reviews Django Unchained

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[html]TORO and eOne Films thank everyone for tweeting what was wrong with their city for a chance to win passes to see new thriller Broken City. The contest is now closed.


BROKEN CITY: In theatres, Friday, January 18

In a broken city rife with injustice, ex-cop Billy Taggart (Mark Wahlberg) seeks redemption — and revenge — after being double-crossed and then framed by its most powerful figure, the mayor (Russell Crowe). Billy's relentless pursuit of justice, matched only by his streetwise toughness, makes him an unstoppable force -- and the mayor's worst nightmare.

Watch the trailer:


Follow eOne Films:  
Facebook | Twitter | YouTube

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Whether you think Quentin Tarantino is a genius or an egotistical blowhard, one thing is certain: The man can dance.

The director was recently on The Graham Norton Show when the host asked him to reenact the dance scene from Pulp Fiction. Something resembling hilarity ensues. You can watch the video below. 

Tarantino's been getting a lot of heat for this aggressive interview in which he all but punches a reporter in he face for bringing up the tired issue of violence in his movies. It's nice to see him have a little fun.

Related >> Film: TORO Reviews Django Unchained | Daily TORO: Watch a Round Table with Tarantino and Friends

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Montreal restaurant and party zone Buonanotte will open in Toronto's entertainment district January 22. Located on Mercer Street, the restaurant will be 4,500 sqaure feet and seat 150.

"Toronto was always an obvious growth market for us," says Buonanotte's co-owner Max Lecas. "Every time there's some special reason to come to Montreal, we always get a huge Toronto clientele."

Lecas partnered with Toronto club mogul Charles Khabouth of INK Entertainment to ensure a smooth transition into what seems like a foreign market for Quebecers.

Buonanotte is has been entertaining Montrealers for over 20 years. Chef Lucio Panza's menu offers elegant and refined takes on rustic Italian cuisine.

Related >> La Societe to Open in Montreal

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They really are just like people! A scientist in Spain has discovered that a chimp named Michael Fassbender Gina is addicted to porn.

After leaving a television and remote control in Gina's enclosure at the Seville zoo, primatologist Pablo Herreros found that the chimp was obsessed with adult entertainment programs. (German Midgets Gone Wild is our favourite.)

The television was put in Gina's enclosure as psychological stimulus. Little did the zoo know it would be stimulating Gina's naughty parts as well.

We at TORO believe in sexual liberation, even for chimpanzees. Gina, you'll be getting a We-Vibe in the mail.

Related >> Listed: Chimps vs. People | World's Greatest Lover: Think Porn

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Mad-man-electro-indie-cluster-band Animal Collective has just announced a new tour with Dan Deacon. You can check out all of the dates below, with the Canadian dates in bold.

The tour will see the musicians travel to through North America, Europe, and Australia. Animal Collective and Deacon are promoting their formidable 2012 albums Centipede Hz and America, respectively.

Related >> Music Reviews: Animal Collective's Centipede Hz | Talking To: Dan Deacon

Tour dates:

01-17 Newtown, Australia - Enmore Theatre
01-18 Sydney, Australia - Big Day Out #
01-20 Gold Coast, Australia - Big Day Out
01-23 Melbourne, Australia - Palace Theatre #
01-25 Adelaide, Australia - Big Day Out
01-26 Melbourne, Australia - Big Day Out
01-28 Perth, Australia - Big Day Out
03-07 Boston, MA - House of Blues *
03-08 Montreal, Quebec - Metropolis *
03-09 Toronto, Ontario - Danforth Music Hall *
03-11 Cleveland, OH - House of Blues *
03-12 Covington, KY - The Madison Theater *
03-13 Nashville, TN - Marathon Music Works *
03-15 Royal Oak, MI - Royal Oak Music Hall *
03-16 Chicago, IL - Riviera Theatre *
03-17 Madison, WI - Orpheum Theatre *
03-18 Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue *
03-20 St. Louis, MO - The Pageant *
03-21 Kansas City, MO - Midland Theater *
03-22 Denver, CO - Ogden Theatre *
03-23 Salt Lake City, UT - Depot *
03-24 Boise, ID - Treefort Music Fest
07-02 Helsinki, Finland - The Circus
07-04 Roskilde, Denmark - Roskilde Festival

# with Africa Hitech
* with Dan Deacon

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