WEDNESDAY MARCH 29, 2017
 
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Today is a good day if you're an Austra fan. The Toronto band has just announced that their new album, Olympia, will be released on April 18, via Paper Bag Records.

They've also released a new song: "Home." You can listen to it below.

And just in case you haven't orgasmed yet, Austra will also be going on tour, with five shows at Austin's SXSW. Unfortunately, no Canadian dates have been announced yet.

According to band leader Katie Stelmanis, Olympia represents a tonal shift in the band's evolution. "Previously, I would flesh out songs before I brought them to the band, but this time I left them bare and let the others fill them in," Stelmanis says in a statement.

Related >> TORO TV: Catching Up with Austra
Related >> Music: Listen to Austra's "Painful Like"

Austra Tour Dates:

03-13 Austin, TX - Vice Land (Vice SXSW)
03-14 Austin, TX - Hype Hotel (Hype Machine SXSW)
03-15 Austin, TX - The Mohawk (Windish SXSW)
03-16 Austin, TX - Elysium (Moog SXSW)
03-16 Austin, TX - Old Emo's (Brooklynvegan SXSW)
06-02 Dublin, IE - Forbidden Fruit
06-06 Zurich, SE - Plaza
06-07 Luzerne, SE - Sudpol
06-08 Yverdon-les Bains, SE - L'Amalgame
06-10 Amsterdam, NL - Bitterzoet
06-12 Paris, FR - Nouvelle Casino
06-14 Berlin, DE - Lido
06-17 London, UK - Hoxton Bar Grill
06-20 Brooklyn, NY - Music Hall of Williamsburg
06-23 Los Angeles, LA – Troubadour
06-26 San Francisco, CA - The Independent

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According to the Smoking Gun, a woman is being charged after police found a loaded revolver in her vagina. Looks like Labia Pride movement has a new ambassador!

Christie Dawn Harris of Oklahoma was undergoing a strip search when an officer noticed a "wooden and metal item sticking out from her vagina area." It was the gun's hangle. (Why the shit didn't you point it the other way, Christie?!)

Harris and another woman were suspiciously hanging out in a car in front of a restaurant when initially approached by the police. After the drug dog got a whiff of her pungent crotch, Harris and her pal were taken into custody.

According to the cops, Harris repeatedly asked if she could go to the washroom on the way to the station.

Harris is scheduled to be arraigned on felony and narcotics charges.

This is why you should read Freud

Related >> Daily TORO: Woman Tries to Poison Husband with Her Vagina
Related >> Daily TORO: Man Smothered to Death with Girlfriend's Breasts

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Let's get wasted — again! Behold below, the trailer for The Hangover Part III. Because we really needed another sequel!

In director Todd Phillips' third commercial for Alcoholics Anonymous, the gang returns to Las Vegas and shit happens.

Allegedly, this film is the final chapter in the franchise. But knowing Hollywood, it will probably be rebooted in a year with Christopher Nolan directing Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, and Ryan Gosling "like you've never seen them before."

The Hangover Part III stars Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Ken Jeong, Heather Graham, Jeffrey Tambor, Justin Bartha, John Goodman, Sasha Barrese, Gillian Vigman, and Jamie Chung.


Related >> Talking To: Bradley Cooper
Related >> Film: TORO Reviews The Hangover Part II

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In a recent Men's Journal interview, Chef Gordon Ramsay shits on pretty much everyone who is not Gordon Ramsay. Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, children with cancer — no one can escape his "immense scrutiny."

Maybe it has something to do with Hell's Kitchen's March 12 premiere? Or maybe he's trying to ramp up publicity for his empire in decline? Or maybe Ramsay is just a big swinging dick who happens to make delicious risotto.

Anyway, we summarized his prime cut beef below.

On Bobby Flay: "I can still look at a box of raw ingredients and put together the best fucking dish you'll ever eat. That's why I laugh when they say, 'Let's see if he's a real chef. Let's get him up against Bobby Flay on 'Iron Chef.'' I'm like, 'Fucking do me a favor...come on. I've forgotten more than he's known!'"

On Cat Cora's Masterchef apperance: "She and her agents insisted that, even if her dish wasn't the best, she wins."

On other chefs who hate him: I've achieved everything I've ever wanted to achieve in cooking. You can't win more than three Michelin stars, and there's three stars in New York, three stars in Paris, three stars in London. And now I've got a second career in TV. And I've set up my own production company. I think all that pisses them off."

Related >> Talking To: Chef Dale MacKay
Related >> Inside Grant van Gameren's Bar Isabel

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Amid all the reductive, chauvinistic American hate from Chicago writers with Small-Penis Syndrome, it's good to know someone still has Toronto's back.

Listen below via Soundcloud to Drake's new song "5AM in Toronto," the sequel to "9AM in Dallas."

If the song's any indication, Drake's angry again. Because, we guess, people still don't think he "Started from the Bottom"?

"5AM in Toronto" has a solid beat though, and it's nice to hear Drizzy rapping and not auto-tune slow jamming about how many bitches he's had sex with.

The song should be on Drake's new album, Nothing Was the Same, due out this summer.


Related >> Watch Drake's Started from the Bottom Video
Related >> Mazel Tov! Drake Finally graduates from High School

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Apparently size does matter — to Chicago Sun-Times columnist Neil Steinberg anyway.

In response to news that Toronto is now bigger than Chicago, Steinberg wrote an article proclaiming Toronto’s blandness.

Well, to be fair, his article was in response to a Canadian Business article, which pointed out that Toronto has now eclipsed Chicago as the fourth most populous city in North America, but that Toronto is still largely outclassed by the Windy City.

Steinberg first slams the apologist article as “an exercise in humility that would make the average chest-thumping, We’re-Number-One-howling Chicagoan shake his head in utter visceral disgust,” and then sets his sights on Toronto and its people.

First, there’s his non-dig at the “anonymous ciphers grinding through joyless lives devoid of charm or significance” and then his critique of Tim Hortons “adequate doughnuts”, “non-descript skyline” and “generic monuments” before characterizing Torontonians as sitting “crouched in slush with their hands locked around their knees, gazing poutingly over the border to the south, paralyzed with envy, disdain and longing.”

Never mind that Chicago has been blanketed with much more snow this winter than Toronto or even that the Sun-Times was once owned by Canadian-born Conrad Black. Heck, even the Sun-Times parcels out some of its page layout duties to crews west of Toronto.

“So congratulations, Toronto, on the extra people,” Steinberg writes. “Let us know when you can make a decent pizza, or build a building that bears a second glance.”

Sure, Mr. Steinberg, we’ll get right on that. Truth is, Torontonians have heard worse from fellow Canadians for years. And you didn’t even mention Mayor Rob Ford! But we guess that would have been too easy.

Nice try though, eh?

Wonder how he’d feel about us mourning the loss of Stompin’ Tom Connors?

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Charles Thomas Connors, known to even the most casual Canadian music fan as Stompin’ Tom, has died at the age of 77.

Born in Saint John, New Brunswick Connors got his start, in a typically Canadian twist of fate, by performing a song to settle the price of a beer at a hotel bar and finding himself in a year-long performance contract. From The Northlands’ Own Tom Connors (1967) to Stompin’ Tom and the Roads of Life (2012) he released over 25 albums, with his most successful songs - “The Hockey Song,” “Big Joe Mufferaw,” “Bud the Spud” and others - known to Canadians both young and old.

Connors didn’t earn much success outside of his home country, due in part to his culture-specific songs and a general disdain for the idea of leaving home to find work in the American music scene. He even returned his Junos to the Canadian Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences in protest of nominees who did not conduct their business in Canada.

Nevertheless Connors proved, as so few have, that longevity and success within our limited music market was possible.



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According to the International Business Times, a woman in China rubbed half a bottle of sperm on her face before realizing what it was.

Secret admirer 22-year-old Gou Wen sent the splooge-tube to Zeng Li, 19, believing it to be the perfect symbol of his love.

"I love her so much, but she didn't know it and I didn't know how to tell her," said Wen. "So I did that thinking it was the ultimate way to show love."

We think you've been watching too much porn there, Gou.

Li, fresh from a lighter fuel bath, reported Wen to the police. They ordered the man to apologize to the victim, pay her $300 in damages, and start eating more pineapple immediately.

Undeterred, Wen vowed to "find another way" to show Li his love — like giving her a shocker, or breaking into her apartment and rubbing his penis on all of her furniture.

Related >> World's Greatest Lover: An Unscientific Trail of Ejaculoid

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CatchingFirePoster.jpgFun fact: the marketing gimmick of individual character posters for ensemble films was first popularized by Reservoir Dogs in 1992. Since then these one-sheets have been used to promote movies as diverse as the Star Wars prequels, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Time and time again they've let us imagine alternate universes in which classic films were actually about otherwise forgettable side-characters. Like this one, through which we can deduce that The Hunger Games: Catching Fire is all about Woody Harrelson’s drunken rapscallion Haymitch Abernathy enjoying some furniture.

The poster draws the viewer in with its visual representation of the intense conflict the Hunger Games series is known for. It shows us a man torn between playing into the hand of an Orwellian superpower, fighting back for the good of human freedom, or just kind of sitting around until everything resolves itself.

I would very much like to watch that movie as soon as right now.

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Carrie Fisher has just confirmed that she will reprise her role as Princess Leia in the upcoming Star Wars Episode VII. Has she started drinking again?

In a recent interview with the hardballers at Palm Beach Illustrated, Fisher delivered a demonstrative "Yes," when asked if she was coming back to the franchise.

"[Leia's] in an intergalactic old folks' home," joked Fisher. "[She'll wear] the bagel buns and the bikini, because probably she has sundowners syndrome."

Do you hear that? That is the sound of million fanboys touching themselves.

The news comes after Mark Hammil himself confirmed his desire for the entire original principle cast to return to director J.J. Abrams reimagining of the franchise.

For us, Fisher and Hammil's involvement comes with both pleasure and terror. Will it be nice to see the old gang together again on the screen? Sure. But do we really want to see more of this?

Related >> Daily TORO: J.J. Abrams On Directing Star Wars
Related >> Daily TORO: Star Wars: Stories, Screenplays, and Speculation

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George Clooney's next acting-directing adventure, The Monuments Men has just begun production in Berlin with a star-studded cast.

Alongside Mr. Handsome, the film stars Matt Damon, Bill Murray, Cate Blanchett, Daniel Craig, John Goodman, Jean Dujardin, Bob Balaban, and Hugh Bonneville.

Based on the book of the same name by Robert M. Edsel and Bret Witter, The Monuments Men follows a group of soldiers tasked by F.D.R to reclaim artistic masterpieces from Nazi thieves. Sounds like a live action version of The Simpsons' "Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'" episode, no?

Fresh off his Best Picture Oscar win for producing Ben Affleck's Argo, Clooney must be feeling pretty good. Then again, he's sleeping with Stacy Keibler, so he always feels good.

Related >> Daily TORO: Obama and Clooney Are Besties
Related >> Daily TORO: George Clooney Got Arrested

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Randy Blythe, lead singer of Virginia heavy metal band Lamb of God, has been acquitted of manslaughter by a Czech court. Blythe was accused of pushing fan Daniel Nosek off a stage during a performance in Prague in 2010. Nosek fell backwards, hit his head and died from traumatic injuries weeks later.

Blythe was not arrested until more than two years after the incident, upon arrival at a Prague airport for another scheduled concert. He faced up to five years in prison.

Addressing Nosek’s family in a statement, Blythe said, "I only wish for them peace.”

Related: TORO interviews Lamb of God


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Kim Nguyen's War Witch won Best Motion Picture while Flashpoint took Best Dramatic Series at last night's inaugural Canadian Screen Awards gala.

All of the winner's are listed below

Housed in Toronto's Sony Centre for the Performing Arts (formerly the Hummingbird Centre, and formerly formerly the O'Keefe Centre), the CSAs are the amalgation of the former Gemini and Genie awards honouring Canadian film and television.

The event was hosted by Canadian comedy king Martin Short, and according to most critics, he was decidely less sexist and racist than Seth MacFarlane.

War Witch won nine statues in total. After being named one of TIFF's Top 10 Canadian films of 2012 and earning a Best Foreign Language Oscar nomination, no one was surprised that the film swept the show.

TORO friend Dale Burshstein won Best Direction for the Cooking Channel's From Spain with Love in the Lifestyle or Reality/Competition Program or Series category.

Related >> TORO TV: Food - Annie Sibonney's Spain
Related >> Talking To: Flashpoint's Hugh Dillon

Film Winners

Best Motion Picture: War Witch
Achievement in Direction: Kim Nguyen, War Witch
Actor in a Leading Role: James Cromwell, Still Mine
Actress in a Leading Role: Rachel Mwanza, War Witch
Actor in a Supporting Role: Serge Kanyinda, War Witch
Actress in a Supporting Role: Seema Biswas, Midnight’s Children
Art Direction/Production Design: War Witch
Make-Up: Laurence Anyways
Costume Design: Laurence Anyways
Cinematography: War Witch
Editing: War Witch
Music - Original Score: Howard Shore, Cosmopolis
Music - Original Song: Howard Shore, Emily Haines, James Shaw, "Long to Live" (Cosmopolis)
Overall Sound: War Witch
Sound Editing: War Witch
Original Screenplay: Kim Nguyen, War Witch
Adapted Screenplay: Salman Rushdie, Midnight’s Children
Feature Length Documentary Award: Stories We Tell
Short Documentary: The Boxing Girls of Kabul
Live Action Short Drama: Throat Song
Animated Short: Paula
Visual Effects: Resident Evil: Retribution

Television Winners

Dramatic Series: Flashpoint
Comedy Program/Series: Less Than Kind
International Drama: The Borgias
Lead Actor in a Dramatic Role: Enrico Colantoni, Flashpoint
Lead Actress in a Dramatic Role: Meg Tilly, Bomb Girls
Lead Actor in a Comedic Role: Gerry Dee, Mr. D
Lead Actress in a Comedic Role: Wendel Meldrum, Less Than Kind
Reality/Competition Program: Dragon’s Den
News Anchor: Peter Mansbridge, CBC News The National
Sports Host or Analyst: Brian Williams, London 2012 Olympic Games
Host in a Variety, Lifestyle, Reality/Competition, Performing Arts or Talk Program: George Stroumboulopoulos, George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight

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Sometime between March 18 and 20 (check your Twitter, folks), Chef Grant van Gameren will open his restaurant Bar Isabel at 797 College St. Informed by van Gameren's recent touring of France, Italy, Denmark, Spain — the latter being the chef's greatest inspiration — the joint will offer Mediterranean shared-plate fare, and be open until last call, seven days a week.

Van Gameren recently spoke with TORO and gave us the goods on the coming grub.

ON THE LAST-MINUTE NAME CHANGE
Bar Isabel was originally named Crown Cooks, but a sudden burst of inspiration made van Gameren change his mind.

"This project has been an organic process," he says. "It's the reason authors don't name their books before they're finished."

The name Bar Isabel is supposed to evoke "a warm curvy Spanish woman; maybe older and a bit plump." Sold.


ON FIXING — EVERYTHING

When you set up shop in an old Toronto building you can expect a ton of problems: leaking rooves, shoddy electrical, bad plumbing, etc.

"I’m pretty much the general bitch around here," van Gameren says. "In order to save money, I do little bit of everything, even though I don't know what I'm doing."


ON THE LOOK
"Design-wise, we want to do something that Toronto hasn't seen before," van Gameren says. That means a dining room punctuated with finely stained and oiled mill work and carpentry heavily inspired by art nouveau. "When you walk in, it will feel like an Old World Spanish Tavern."


ON THE TEAM
Van Gameren has been working closely with designer Marx Kruis who he says was "crazy enough to take this project on for the budget we had."

Drinks will be handled by veteran Toronto barman Michael Webster, formerly of the Drake Hotel, and Guy Rawlings of Room 203 will act as the restaurant's general manager. "It will be interesting to throw a chef in the front of the house," says van Gemeren. "Again, we're trying to do something different."


ON BEER AND WINE
Van Gameren is taking his beer menu very seriously. "We're going to treat beer a little like wine and even get into some beer aging," he says. Fittingly, Rawlings has been working closely with barVolo, Toronto's beer Zion, to solidify a fine list of both local and international brews.

And for the winos? Portugese, Spanish, Croation, and other Eastern European varieties will be sold.


ON KEEPING FOOD AFFORDABLE
Van Gameren's cuisine at the Black Hoof helped launch Toronto's midrange food revolution and he isn't about to change his philosophy. "The only way you can keep prices down in Toronto is to be creative with ingredients and keep things simple," van Gemeren tells us. "You don't need to have 10 things on a plate and expensive garnish."


ON WHY SHARING IS CARING
If you're like van Gameren, you believe that the best part about restaurant dining is tasting everything. "When I'm out with friends, I don’t just want to take a forkful of one dish," says the Chef. "I want to take three or four."

Dinner at Bar Isabel will be properly portioned — you'll get a variety of perfectly executed self-contained dishes meant to be enjoyed with the larger meal in mind. "A lot of people try to put their whole personality on one plate," says van Gameren. "I want to put my whole personality on the entire meal."

Related >> Food: Centro - Another Blow to Toronto Fine Dining

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Chef René Redzepi of Copanhagen restaurant Noma — widely considered to be the best in the world — will be a special guest presenter at Terroir 7, a foodservice and hospitality symposium to be held in Toronto April 8.

The event will be housed in Oliver and Bonacini's Arcadian and include a breakfast by Oliver and Bonacini, expert presentations, a themed lunch, demonstrations, panel discussions, a wine tasting, and a networking after party at the Drake Hotel.

Among its dozens of guests, Terroir' 7's notable stars include Chef Magnus Nilsson of Faviken, Alessandro Porcelli, founder of Cook It Raw, and Canadian Mitchell Davis, executive vice president of the James Beard Foundation.

This year's themes are All You Need Is Love..of Food, Memories, and Culture, Celebrating the Sandwich, and The Best of the Best in Canada.

Terroir 7 tickets can be bought here.

Related > Daily TORO: David Chang On MSG's Goodness
Related > Drinks: Getting Better with Age

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According to Toronto Star Washington Bureau Chief Mitch Potter, a Florida dog accidentally shot its owner in the leg. (It's good to know that the Star has Mitch covering the big issues.)

Gregory Lanier of Frostproof, Florida was driving down State Road 17 when his frisky bulldog allegedly "kicked" a pistol on the floor of his truck, causing it to fire.

Lanier "heard a boom, saw smoke, and felt a burning in his leg." The gun, which Lanier thought was not loaded, shot a bullet right through his calf.

Police investigating the incident suspected Lanier may have made up the story, but we're too busy chortling too call him out on it.

When police checked Lanier's truck, along with the pistol, they also found a loaded Marlin XT243 rifle, empty .243 casings, boxes of unfired .243 ammunition, and several rounds of unfired. 380 ammunition.

To a Canadian, it sounds like Lanier was ready to climb a clock tower and declare a holy war against the "ethnics" who have been depurifying the American job market. But that's just one blogger's interpretation.

Charges were not laid, but the bulldog remains a "pooch of interest."

Related >> Daily TORO: Baffling Things Said from the NRA's Newtown Statement
Related >> Daily TORO: What Does Ice-T Think of Gun Control?


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"Mmmmm...Donuts." This April 2, Food Network Canada premieres its newest cooking competition, Donut Showdown.

Each week, three competitors are asked to create the best donut possible with whatever secret ingredients are provided. The winner receives a $10,000 prize.

Donut Showdown's judges are Danny Boome (Recipe Rehab), David Rocco, Maggie McKeown (Recipes to Riches), and Toronto restauranteur and TORO favourite Zane Caplansky, father of the Maple Bacon Donut (bitches).

The show seems like a foolproof combination of foodie dimentia and Hunger Games savagery. Daily TORO can't wait!

Related >> TORO TV: Zane Caplansky Braises Hell | Daily TORO: Toronto's Glory Hole Doughnuts

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Holy Hell and wretched Heaven: stand up greats Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock have hinted at going on tour together.

According to the Comic's Comic, early this morning at New York's Comedy Cellar, after the scheduled acts had finished, Dave Chappelle performed a surprise 44-minute set, cigarette in hand. Just as he was about to leave, Chris Rock jumped on stage, shouting to the audience, "You lucky motherfuckers!" The duo then riffed off each other for about an hour.

Most mindblowingly, Chappelle and Rock suggested they could tour together.

"Come out to Oakland," Chappelle said to Rock.
"You should come down to West Palm," Rock said back.
"After next Tuesday, I'm free for like 11 years," Chappelle answered.

This is not a novel. It's real life.

Rock then said if a tour were to go down, he'd need time to prepare, unlike Chappelle who would want to do "Wednesday...unannounced."

Lesser comedian Marlon Wayans then crashed the stage and was obviously not very funny. He did manage to tweet this photo with Chappelle, however.

Though no tour has been confirmed, Chappelle and Rock have Daily TORO frothing at the crotch.

Related >> Daily TORO: Chris Rock's Tweet Blows Up | TORO TV: Talking to Neal Brennan

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Witness below the poster for Nacho Vigalondo's forthcoming film, Open Windows, starring former pornstar Sasha Grey and Frodo Baggins. Looks sexy and Photoshoppy.

Inspired by Brian De Palma's Blow Out, Vigalondo's film follows an obsessed man (Wood) who sets out on a quest to rescue an abducted actress (Grey). The film is shot entirely from a laptop, in "real time." We did not make that up.

"[In Open Windows] the movie screen becomes a computer screen, and the spectator becomes the protagonist of this adventure," Vigalondo recently told Dread Central.

Grey — who's starred in films ranging from Steven Soderbergh's The Girlfriend Experience to Tom Byron's Ass Eaters Unanimous 19 — has been trying to break into the world of "serious" acting with varying degrees of success. We'll have to wait for a trailer to cum come out to see how Grey works with Wood (pun absolutely intended), but Daily TORO remains thoroughly intrigued by Open Windows.

Related >> Daily TORO: Pornstars Reenact Memes, Internet Gets STD | World's Greatest Lover: Turks and Porn Stars

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According to our chums at the Associated Press, former NBA clusterphoque Dennis Rodman (above, we think) is in Pyongyang to film a forthcoming news special for HBO.

He is in North Korea with three members of the Harlem Globetrotters and one VICE television correspondent to engage in "a little basketball diplomacy" by running a camp for children and playing with some of the country's slave labour top stars.

After receiving a wave of disbelief and criticism on Twitter this morning, Rodman replied, "I'm not a politician. Kim Jung Un [and] North Korean people are basketball fans. I love everyone. Period. End of story."

Rodman also tweeted, "Maybe I'll run into the Gangnam Style dude while I'm here." You may love everyone, but we guarantee South Koreans don't love you for saying that.

According to the late Kim Jong Il's personal sushi chef (seriously), current leader Kim Jong Un's biggest childhood passion was Rodman's championship Chicago Bulls of the 1990s.

This is good news for us, since it would be very hard Kim Jong to bring death to America without blowing up the United Center.

Related >> Throwin Smoke: Celebrating Dennis Rodman | Listed: The 5 Most Isolated Lands


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