WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 22, 2017
 
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13 MEMORABLE MOVIE MOUSTACHES
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This month is Movember, an annual event in which men grow moustaches for health charities. But not ever man can grow a moustache, so if your patchy face isn't cutting it this season we've put together a list of memorable movie 'staches, just to show you how it's done.

13. The Groucho (Duck Soup, Horse Feathers, etc.)

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Until he started appearing regularly on television, Julius “Groucho” Marx did not in fact own and operate his own moustache, instead applying thick greasepaint above his lips. Our friends at Movember would consider this cheating.


12. The Obvious Fake (Sleepaway Camp)

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Nothing about the 1986 crap-horror classic Sleepaway Camp makes any sense, least of all the filmmakers’ decision to slap this thing on Frank the Cop (Allen Breton) and try to pass it off as a moustache. Even Groucho’s greasepaint was more believable.


11. The Ron Burgundy (Anchorman)

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Ron Burgundy’s mustache famously broke the Watergate scandal in 1973, but was fatally injured in a fire the following year. Its remains were donated to the face of John Holmes, which brings us to ...


10. The Hangin’ Holmes (Literally thousands of porno movies)

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Moustaches are rarer today than they were in the ‘70s, leading many ignorant observers to label any current upper-lip growth as a “porno ‘stache.” This is incorrect; the true porno ‘stache requires a noticeable lull in the middle, with a width great enough to lead the hair precariously down the cheeks.


09. The Waters Pencil (Pink Flamingos, Hairspray, etc.) 



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When it first crawled out of his face in the early ‘70s, John Waters’ pencil moustache was likely an homage to Little Richard, whom the director idolized. Either way his take on this rare, molesterish ‘stache is now totally his own.


08. The Robot (Blade Runner)

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The bad guys in Blade Runner are murderous robots, upset that their artificial humanness does not include a full life. It does, however, apparently include a full moustache, as “replicant” Leon demonstrates.


07. The Bad (The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)

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In this classic Western, Lee Van Cleef is Angel Eyes, the “bad” in a trio of almost equally bad dudes. His designation owes as much to his menacing facial hair as his behaviour. The hair must have attracted serious sand build-up, but Ol’ Lee could’ve given a mule’s ass.


06. The Godfather (The Godfather)

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Vito Corleone grew a scraggly mustache we couldn’t refuse in The Godfather. Sure, it  looked like something a high school freshman could cook up in a few weeks, but it projected pure patriarchal authority.


05. The Best Supporting Actor (Die Hard with a Vengeance)

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Larry Bryggman’s way-out-of-place, Snidley Whiplash-esque number in Die Hard with a Vengeance is a lesson to aspiring actors: if the only dialogue you get is clunky exposition, make sure they can’t forget your goofy face.


04. The A-Grade Creepo (Napoleon Dynamite)

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Unless you’ve been in college since 2005, you’ve probably had most of Napoleon Dynamite wiped from your memory. Hardest to forget was the moustache of man-child Kip, which was creepy yet surprisingly full and well-groomed.


03. The Oil Man (There Will Be Blood)

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The centrepiece of There Will Be Blood was a massive oil derrick explosion, but far more memorable was the explosion of fur seeping out from Daniel Day-Lewis’ face.


02. The Sam Elliott (every Sam Elliott movie)

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You could fill this list with Sam Elliott moustaches alone: his out-of-control style in Tombstone, or maybe his wiser cut in The Big Lebowski. But the pick of the litter might be its appearance in Mask (above); Elliott is the only guy who could wear a shirt advertising “moustache rides” and actually get moustache rides.


01. The Distance (Rocky)

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Rocky may have fooled you into thinking its hero was up against the fists of reigning champ Apollo Creed but, truthfully, Creed’s moustache brought all of the pain.

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